ext_13176 ([identity profile] mallory-blog.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] melissajm 2006-11-19 06:52 am (UTC)

My initial feeling was that it is too vague, particularly the lines Once, A, And.

I also thought you could trim the first line a bit --

Once, Mankind shared the world with winged seraphim, servants of Light and protectors of life and scaled demons, ....


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